Bits of Verbiage

How does a squirrel keep its nuts dry?
It swims on its back


A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, ''I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.'' The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband ''Hey, where's your ball?'' ''It's over here in the pussy willows.'' The wife screams back, ''DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!


What's the worst thing about being a test tube baby?
You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.


A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, ''You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm.''


How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.


A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. ''Grandpa what are you doing?'' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. ''Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?'' he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, ''Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea.


Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.


Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: ''OK, old fellow, time to retire.'' The old rooster says: ''You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!'' The young rooster replies: ''Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!'' The old rooster says: ''Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you.'' The young rooster snarls: ''Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!'' The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: ''I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop.'' The young rooster smiles: ''You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start.'' The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks ''Go!'' and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: ''Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week.''


Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
So he could run his fingers through his hair.


The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. ''Can I help you?'' the madam asked. ''I want Natalie,'' the old man replied. ''Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...'' ''No, I must see Natalie.'' Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that There were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: ''No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?'' The old man replied, ''I'm from Philadelphia.'' ''Really?'' replied Natalie. ''I have family who lives there.'' ''Yes, I know,'' said the old man. ''Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you.'' (Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.)


What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.


There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.


How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends how thin you slice them.


A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, ''Relatives of yours?'' ''Yep,'' the husband replied. ''In-laws.''


Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.


A young teenag girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, ''What are you lining up for, dear?'' Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. ''Mmm, sounds lovely,'' said Grandma. ''I think I’ll have some myself,'' she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. ''But you’re so old... how do you do it?'' Grandma replied, ''Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em dry!''


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'


What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?
A cock that stays up all night!

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12'' tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; ''What the hell is that?'' The guy next to him replies ''He's a pianist!'', to which the drunk replied ''Horse shit, your pulling my leg'' So the guy next to him picks up the 12'' man , grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammerin out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons. Stunned, the drunk asks ''That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him''? The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks ''I wish for a million bucks''. All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shittin all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing ''You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit.'' The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed ''You don't really think I wished for a 12'' pianist do you?''


Why don't worms have balls?
Because they can’t dance


The best way to win an argument is to be right.

Comment Superfluous! 

Dummies

Viagra Slogans

TOP TEN SLOGANS BEING CONSIDERED BY VIAGRA.
...
10. Viagra - "Whaazzzzz Up?"
9. Viagra - The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra - Like a rock!
7. Viagra - When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
6. Viagra - Be all that you can be
5. Viagra - Reach out and touch someone
4. Viagra - Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra - Tastes great; More filling!
2. Viagra - We bring good things to life!
And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis....... This is your penis on drugs.

CLASSIC EMBARRASSING MOMENTS!

CLASSIC EMBARRASSING MOMENTS!

A competition was recently held to find out the most embarrassing moments in people's lives. The following are the final three place-getters:

Third Place

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs.

I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!".

My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there !
My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

Second Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX,SUPERSIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks". In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system; "DO YOU WANT THE
KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND THAT YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER ?"

And the Winner Is ?

This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"

"That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet ?".
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.

However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat.

Only in Britain

Only in Britain

Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain...do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.

Only in Britain...do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.

Only in Britain...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3 people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 people were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalectrix cars.

8 people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep while throwing up into the toilet.

Way Out 

Apoc' Story

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself.

Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer.

At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me take him and give him a good education. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll grow to a man you can be proud of."

And that he did. In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved him? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.
His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

Caught in the act. 

Teach the innocent (rude)

WHAT EVERY GIRL SHOULD KNOW

Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction.

Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?)

One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!

HOW "BIG" SHOULD A MAN BE?
Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion.
The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger than a ball-point pen.

HOW "LONG" SHOULD A MAN LAST?
Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."

HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?
The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure.

WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?
There is no such thing.

WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?
This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see the a man's penis fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act (why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?)

WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?
Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are

"GIB." Another example of male "after-play" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying post-coital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.

WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?
Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?
One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair.

HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?
When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.

SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
Q: "If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?"
A: There is absolutely no way to tell.

Q: "What's the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and shiny?"
A: One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen.
The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look.

Q: "What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?"
A: You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?"

Q: "Where should a man take me?"
A: Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking about.

Q: "What happens if he doesn't call?"
A: He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your 'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe runs an internet joke list, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover.

The truth according to God

The truth according to God

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look son, look what I've made".

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

God replied, "It's a planet and I've put LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there is a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of white people in the north and another one of black people in the south."

The archangel then said, "And what's that long white line there?"
And God said "Ah - that is New Zealand - the land of the long white cloud and that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; beautiful. Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast-line. These people here are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving. And I'm going to give them this superhuman, indefeasible rugby team which will be blessed with the most talented, and charismatic specimens on the planet, and will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE? You said there was going to be a balance."

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the bunch of loud-mouthed wankers I'm putting next to them."

Admin' Motto 

Irish Virus

Dear Sors
We are afroid we may have allowed our "Irish Virus" out into the woild and that you may have received a copy. Please note that no voirus checking programmes can detect this voirus and there is only one woy to clean it from your computer.
If you fear you moy have this voirus, please follow these steps to clean your systum.
Immediately unplug your computer and all its periferuls.
Carry all of it to your bath and put it in. If your bath is too small, use a swimming pool.
Fill the bath and empty two bottles of bleach in followed by a bottle of detergant. Leave it for at least 12 hoors or over nite.
After it has soaked for at least 12 hoors, plug it in to the electricity supply to finish the cleaning. IMPORTANT, DO NOT GET IN THE BATH AT THIS TOIME. (Paddy down the road was in the bath when he plugged it in again and he caught the virus from the computer. His wake is next Thoirsday for all who knew him.)
After it has been plugged in for a few minutes, unplug it again and empty the bath.
Take the computer outside to let it droy.
When it is droy, take it in and plug it in again. All should work poirfectly.
If you have any problems after this, contact the shop who sold you the computer, they will be happy to sort them out for you.
Please forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thank you for your co-operation.

Seamus

The leader of the Free World? 

Case of the Pregnant Lady

Court Docket 12659 - Case of the Pregnant Lady

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honour it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William’s Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honour when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident" & I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED" the judge announced.

Chimpanbush pt 2 

Smokin' Nuns

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said: "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said: "I've found a marvellous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."
The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister," said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?"
"I'd like some condoms please" said the nun.
The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked: "How many boxes would you like - there are twelve to a box."
"I'll take six boxes," said the nun. "That should last about a week!"
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed. "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and big liar size."
The sister thought for a minute, and finally said: "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"

Today's Special

We could not quite agree on how to express the correct sentiments for thisday, so we thought this might be the most appropriate:


Afrikaans
Veels geluk met jou verjaarsdag!


Albanian
Urime ditelindjen!


Alsatian
Gueter geburtsdaa!


Amharic
Melkam lidet!


Arabic
Eid milaad saeed! or Kul sana wa inta/i tayeb/a! (masculine/feminine)


Armenian
Taredartzet shnorhavor! or Tsenund shnorhavor!


Assyrian
Eida D'moladukh Hawee Brikha!


Austrian-Viennese
Ois guade winsch i dia zum Gbuadsdog!


Aymara (Bolivia)
Suma Urupnaya Cchuru Uromankja!


Azerbaijani
Ad gununuz mubarek! -- for people older than you
Ad gunun mubarek! -- for people younger than you

Basque
Zorionak!


Belauan-Micronesian
Ungil el cherellem!


Bengali (Bangladesh/India)
Shuvo Jonmodin!


Bicol (Philippines)
Maogmang Pagkamundag!


Bislama (Vanuatu)
Hapi betde! or Yumi selebretem de blong bon blong yu!


Brazil
Parabens a voce! or Parabens e muitas


Breton
Deiz-ha-bloaz laouen deoc'h!


Bulgarian
Chestit Rojden Den!


Cambodian
Som owie nek mein aryouk yrinyu!


Catalan
Per molts anys! or Bon aniversari! or Moltes Felicitats!


Chamorro
Biba Kumplianos!


Chinese-Cantonese
Sun Yat Fai Lok!


Chinese Fuzhou
San Ni Kuai Lo!


Chiness-Hakka
Sang Ngit Fai Lok!


Chinese-Mandarin
Sheng Ri Kuai Le!


Chinese-Shanghaiese
San ruit kua lok!


Chinese-Tiociu
Se Jit khuai lak!


Chronia Polla
NA ZHSHS


Croatian
Sretan Rodendan!


Czech
Vsechno nejlepsi k Tvym narozeninam!!


Danish
Tillykke med fodselsdagen!


Dutch-Antwerps
Ne gelukkege verjoardach!


Dutch-Bilzers
Ne geleukkege verjoardoag!


Dutch-Drents
Fellisiteert!


Dutch-Flemish
Gelukkige verjaardag! or Prettige verjaardag!


Dutch-Frisian
Fan herte lokwinske!


Dutch-Limburgs
Proficiat! or Perfisia!


Dutch-Spouwers
Ne geleukkege verjeurdoag!


Dutch-Twents
Gefeliciteard met oen'n verjoardag!


Dutch
Hartelijk gefeliciteerd! or Van harte gefeliciteerd met je verjaardag!


Esperanto
Felichan Naskightagon!


Estonian
Palju onne sunnipaevaks!


Euskera
Zorionak zure urtebetetze egunean!


Faroes ( Faroe island )
Tillukku vid fodingardegnum!


Farsi
Tavalodet Mobarak!


Finnish
Hyvaa syntymapaivaa!


French (Canada)
Bonne Fete!


French
Joyeux Anniversaire!


Frisian
Lokkiche jierdei!


Gaelic
Co` latha breith sona dhut!


Galician (Spain)
Ledicia no teu cumpreanos!


Georgian
Gilotcav dabadebis dges!


German-Badisch
Allis Guedi zu dim Fescht!


German-Bavarian
Ois Guade zu Deim Geburdstog!


German-Berlinisch
Allet Jute ooch zum Jeburtstach! or Ick wuensch da allet Jute zum Jeburtstach!


German-Bernese
Es Muentschi zum Geburri!


German-Camelottisch
Ewllews Gewtew zewm Gewbewrtstewg. Mew!


German-Frankonian
Allmecht! Iich wuensch Dir aan guuadn Gebuardsdooch!


German-Lichtenstein
Haerzliche Glueckwuensche zum Geburtstag!


German-Moselfraenkisch
Haezzlische Glickwunsch zem Gebordsdach!


German-Plattdeutsch
Ick wuensch Di allns Gode ton Geburtsdach!


German-Rhoihessisch
Ich gratelier Dir aach zum Geburtstag!


German-Ruhr
Allet Gute zum Gebuatstach!


German-Saarlaendisch
Alles Gudde for dei Gebordsdaach!


German-Saechsisch
Herzlischen Gliggwunsch zum Geburdsdaach!


German-Schwaebisch
Aelles Guade zom Gebordzdag!


German-Wienerisch
Ois Guade zum Geburdsdog!


German
Alles Gute zum Geburtstag!


Greek
Eytyxismena Genethlia! or Chronia Pola!


Greenlandic
Inuuinni pilluarit!


Gronings (Netherlands)
Fielsteerd mit joen verjoardag!


Gujarati (India)
Janma Divas Mubarak!


Gujrati (Pakistan)
Saal Mubarak!


Guarani (Paraguay Indian)]
Vy-Apave Nde Arambotyre!


Hawaiian
Hau`oli la hanau!


Hebrew
Yom Huledet Same'ach!


Hiligaynon (Philippines)
Masadya gid nga adlaw sa imo pagkatawo!


Hindi (India)
Janam Din ki badhai! or Janam Din ki shubkamnaayein!


Hungarian
Boldog szuletesnapot! or Isten eltessen!


Icelandic
Til hamingju med afmaelisdaginn!


Indonesian
Selamat Ulang Tahun!


Irish-gaelic
La-breithe mhaith agat! or Co` latha breith sona dhut! Or Breithla Shona Dhuit!


Italian
Buon Compleanno!


Italian (Piedmont)
Bun Cumpleani!


Italian (Romagna)
At faz tent avguri ad bon cumplean!


Japanese
Otanjou-bi Omedetou Gozaimasu!


Javaans-Indonesia
Slamet Ulang Taunmoe!


Jerriais
Bouon Anniversaithe!


Kannada (India)
Huttida Habba Subashayagalu!


Kapangpangan (Philippines)
Mayap a Kebaitan


Kashmiri (India)
Voharvod Mubarak Chuy!


Kazakh (Kazakstan)
Tughan kuninmen!


Klingon
Quchjaj qoSlIj!


Korean
Saeng il chuk ha ham ni da!


Kurdish
Rojbun a te piroz be!


Kyrgyz
Tulgan kunum menen!


Latin
Fortuna dies natalis!


Latvian
Daudz laimes dzimsanas diena!


Lithuanian
Sveikinu su gimtadieniu! or Geriausi linkejimaigimtadienio progal


Luganda
Nkwagaliza amazalibwa go amalungi!


Luxembourgeois
Vill Gleck fir daei Geburtsdaag!


Macedonian
Sreken roden den!


Malayalam (India)
Pirannal Aasamsakal! or Janmadinasamsakal!


Malaysian
Selamat Hari Jadi!


Maltese
Nifrahlek ghal gheluq sninek!


Maori
Kia huritau ki a koe!


Marathi (India)
Wadhdiwasachya Shubhechha!


Mauritian Kreol
mo swet u en bonlaniverser!


Mbula (Umboi Island, Papua New Guinea)
Leleng ambai pa mbeng ku taipet i!


Mongolian
Torson odriin mend hurgee!


Navajo
bil hoozho bi'dizhchi-neeji' 'aneilkaah!


Niederdeutsch (North Germany)
Ick gratuleer di scheun!


Nepali
Janma dhin ko Subha kamana!


Norwegian
Gratulerer med dagen!


Oriya (India)
Janmadina Abhinandan!


Papiamento (lower Dutch Antilles)
Masha Pabien I hopi a?a mas!


Pashto (Afganistan)
Padayish rawaz day unbaraksha!


Persian
Tavalodet Mobarak!


Pinoy (Philippines)
Maligayang kaarawan sa iyo!


Polish
Wszystkiego Najlepszego! or Wszystkiego najlepszego zokazji urodzin!


Portuguese (Brazil)
Parabens pelo seu aniversario! or Parabenspara voce! or Parabens e muitas felicidades!


Portuguese
Feliz Aniversario! or Parabens!


Punjabi (India)
Janam din diyan wadhayian!


Rajasthani (India)
Janam ghaanth ri badhai, khoob jeeyo!


Romanian
La Multi Ani!


Rosarino Basico (Argentina)
Feneligiz Cunumplegeanagonos!


Russian
S dniom razhdjenia! or Pazdravliayu s dniom razhdjenia!


Sami/Lappish
Lihkos Riegadanbeaivvis!


Samoan
Manuia lou aso fanau!


Sanskrit (India)
Ravihi janmadinam aacharati!


Sardinian (Italy)
Achent'annos!


Schwyzerduetsch (Swiss German)
Vill Glück zum Geburri!


Serbian
Srecan Rodjendan!


Slovak
Vsetko najlepsie k narodeninam!


Slovene
Vse najboljse za rojstni dan!


Sotho
Masego motsatsing la psalo!


Spanish
Feliz Cumplea?os!


Sri Lankan
Suba Upan dinayak vewa!


Sundanese
Wilujeng Tepang Taun!


Surinamese
Mi fresteri ju!


Swahili
Hongera! or Heri ya Siku kuu!


Swedish
Grattis pa fodelsedagen!


Syriac
Tahnyotho or brigo!


Tagalog (Philippines)
Maligayang Bati Sa Iyong Kaarawan!


Taiwanese
San leaz quiet lo!


Tamil (India)
Piranda naal vaazhthukkal!


Telugu (India)
Janmadina subha kankshalu!


Telugu
Puttina Roju Shubakanksalu!


Thai
Suk San Wan Keut!


Tibetan
Droonkher Tashi Delek!


Tulu(Karnataka - India)
Putudina dina saukhya!


Turkish
Dogum gunun kutlu olsun!


Ukrainian
Mnohiya lita! or Z dnem narodjennia!


Urdu (India)
Janam Din Mubarak


Urdu (Pakistan)
Saalgirah Mubarak!


Vietnamese
Chuc Mung Sinh Nhat!


Visayan (Philippines)
Malipayong adlaw nga natawhan!


Welsh
Penblwydd Hapus i Chi!


Xhosa (South Afican)
Imini emandi kuwe!


Yiddish
A Freilekhn Gebortstog!


Yoruba (Nigeria)
Eku Ojobi!


Zulu (South Afican)
Ilanga elimndandi kuwe!



And finally:


English:


Happy Birthday!

Chimpanguru 

Iranian Friendship

Ayatollah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Iranian leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Tehran for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking.
After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Iranian. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks.
As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens.
George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.
They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back home to Tehran!"
George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Tehran?"

State of the Union, 2005 

Bush Installation Wizard 

Hot Hacker

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They did spreadsheets.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out media files.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate.
"Wait! He cheated! How in Hell did he do it??!!"
The Son of God smiled, looked over at Satan and said: "Jesus saves."

Bush's Medals 

Recruitment center 

Charity

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the fridge. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater that you never wore even once because the colour didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we are!"

Sleep out 2 

Pets (Rude)

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich.
What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it."
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"
The ostrich says "I'll have the same"
And the cat says "I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich.
"I'll have a small scotch but I'm not paying for it" says the cat.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

Sleep out 

Who will do it?

Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.
Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.
So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.

Etching (rude) 

Regal Barber

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."
The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

Bear Alert

The Pennsylvania Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray, in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Cruising Snail

There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow.
He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the BMW Z-3 was the car to have.
So the snail went to the nearest BMW dealer and said he wanted to buy the Z-3, but he wanted it re-badged "S-3".
The dealer asked, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replied, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer didn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agreed to have the car re-badged for a small fee.
The snail got his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

Hell's Bells

A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven.
St Peter met him at the door.
"You can't come in here," Peter said.
The Pagan asked why.
"You're Pagan... sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's cool."
The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway, because he was, well, Pagan. So he goes to Hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time. A man in a white comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and the Devil tells him of all the delights in what appears to be a 5 star resort.
"Wow!" thinks the Pagan. "Hell ain't so bad! I'm happy to be here."
Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth.
After he disappears, everything returns to normal.
"What the heck was that?!" the Pagan asks Satan.
Satan replies, "That was a Born Again Evangelist. They all come through and wouldn't have Hell any other way."

Bush Support 

Your Poison? 

The other one 

Ezekutiv Dek 

Ware Wanda's Watch Parrot

Wanda's dishwasher broke down so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you a cheque. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog, Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!". "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him ! ".

Only in America

Only in America

Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do drugstores make the sick, walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures”...

Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

Oh, How I wish

Wile suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.
The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle."
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
The patient explained, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

Nice Wife

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed.
"You're certainly a courageous woman, "he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

Born Again

A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the atheist's brain which would cost him $10,000, or the Born Again brain, which cost $100,000.
"Does that mean that the Born Again brain is much better than the atheist's?" asked the man.
"Not exactly," replied the surgeon, "the Born Again brain has simply never been used."

Crab Bisque

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship, until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Declan was shattered, and scuttled away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor... and all could see that he was walking FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke...
"Fuck, I'm pissed!"

Glass eye

A day before his proctologic exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

The Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. Later, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!
"IMPOSSIBLE !!", said the groom broom.
We haven't even swept together!

The Boss 

Lesson in Law

Quotes from the master.
He starts each law school class with the following:
I don't give lectures. The word is indicative of an authority on a subject, which when you think about it, is a claim of omnipotence. Rather, I postulate and expound. Nobody, as yet, has presented a successful tort and claimed recompense for those transgressions.
Lecturers are queried, harangued, and at times, ridiculed.
Postulating expounders are usually humored and offered a free beer. I do not claim omnipotence. Much the opposite. I claim human frailty. I revel in it.
From such a position, when one does not err, one finds oneself delighted. Ecstatic. Far too many graduate and go out into the world attempting to uphold the self-delusion they will ascend to near perfection.
In the legal game, generally speaking, there will be one winner and one loser. Thus, you are doomed. On the scale of averages you will lose about half the time. I would much rather send you forth into the void armed with excellence in mediocrity.
You won't find yourself let down nearly as often, be considered as a rule a more amiable person, and be the recipient of more free beer accordingly.
T. Gerald Gnome, atty. about law, Esq. Ret. RSVP, VUP (Very Unimportant Person),. Member in good sitting, East Tennessee Lard Allotment Society.
Other quotes from him: When in doubt, expound. When you run out of that, expand. Foresight is critical. Eventually you will run out of expand as surely as my Volvo runs out of a vast variety of liquids. Try to time the running out with potential court recesses. It should be kept in mind, the esteemed position of an attorney at law has many unique opportunities.
As example, public flatulence. You shall invariably find at times, few good plates of beans will win you sympathy and recesses where all the golden tongued eloquence of the world will fail.

Thought for Today - Every Day....

"Two hands working can accomplish more than a thousand clasped in prayer."

- anon

The Fox Pass

The Fox Pass
------------

In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a
large fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain. With this
money he set about realizing his childhood ambition to become a
country squire.

He purchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish border, and
proceeded, with the help of some excellent servants, to live in a
manner none in his family had ever dreamed of.

Foremost of these servants was his butler, Jeeves, a well educated
man who assisted his master in every way he could to better himself.
The master would often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a
social situation, or to explain a new term.

One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves in and asked,
"Jeeves, what is this fox pass?"

"Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.' I'll give you an
example. Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom
stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning
Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose? And do you further
remember how later, at breakfast, Lady plushbottom asked her husband
"Is your prick still throbbing dear?" and you said "Christ!" and I
dropped the marmalade? That, Sir, was a faux pas."

The Chaos (by G. Nolst Trenité, a.k.a. "Charivarius"; 1870 - 1946)

The Chaos (by G. Nolst Trenité, a.k.a. "Charivarius"; 1870 - 1946)

Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse
I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye your dress you'll tear,
So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer,
Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
Just compare heart, beard and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written).
Made has not the sound of bade,
Say said, pay-paid, laid, but plaid.
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
But be careful how you speak,
Say break, steak, but bleak and streak.
Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,
Pipe, snipe, recipe and choir,
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles.
Exiles, similes, reviles.
Wholly, holly, signal, signing.
Thames, examining, combining
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war, and far.
From "desire": desirable--admirable from "admire."
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier.
Chatham, brougham, renown, but known.
Knowledge, done, but gone and tone,
One, anemone. Balmoral.
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel,
Gertrude, German, wind, and mind.
Scene, Melpomene, mankind,
Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, reading, heathen, heather.
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.
Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet;
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which is said to rime with "darky."
Viscous, Viscount, load, and broad.
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's O.K.,
When you say correctly: croquet.
Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive, and live,
Liberty, library, heave, and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven,
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover,
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police, and lice.
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label,
Petal, penal, and canal,
Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal.
Suit, suite, ruin, circuit, conduit,
Rime with "shirk it" and "beyond it."
But it is not hard to tell,
Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.
Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, and chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor,
Ivy, privy, famous, clamour
And enamour rime with hammer.
Pussy, hussy, and possess,
Desert, but dessert, address.
Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants.
Hoist, in lieu of flags, left pennants.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rime with anger.
Neither does devour with clangour.
Soul, but foul and gaunt but aunt.
Font, front, won't, want, grand, and grant.
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger.
And then: singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age.
Query does not rime with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post; and doth, cloth, loth;
Job, Job; blossom, bosom, oath.
Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual.
Seat, sweat; chaste, caste.; Leigh, eight, height;
Put, nut; granite, and unite.
Reefer does not rime with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
Hint, pint, Senate, but sedate.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific,
Tour, but our and succour, four,
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria,
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay.
Say aver, but ever, fever.
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
Never guess--it is not safe:
We say calves, valves, half, but Ralph.
Heron, granary, canary,
Crevice and device, and eyrie,
Face but preface, but efface,
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust, and scour, but scourging,
Ear but earn, and wear and bear
Do not rime with here, but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, clerk, and jerk,
Asp, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation--think of psyche--!
Is a paling, stout and spikey,
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing "groats" and saying "grits"?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel,
Strewn with stones, like rowlock, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict, and indict!
Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?
Finally: which rimes with "enough"
Though, through, plough, cough, hough, or tough?
Hiccough has the sound of "cup."
My advice is--give it up!

Top 25 Condom Ad Slogans

Top 25 Condom Ad Slogans

25. Cover your stump before you hump.

24. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

23. Don't be silly, protect your willy.

22. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

21. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

20. You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.

19. If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

18. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

17. If you slip between her thighs, condomize.

16. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

15. She won't get sick, if you wrap your dick.

14. If you go into heat, package your meat.

13. While your undressing venus, dress up your penis.

12. When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.

11. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

10. Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker.

9. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

8. The right selection, is to protect your erection.

7. Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil.

6. A crank with armor, will never harm her.

5. If you really love her, wear a cover.

4. Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.

3. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

2. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

1. No glove, No love.

And one that just failed to make the final:

Don't be dead,
Don't be silly,
Wear a condom
on your Willy.

Survey

Recently, the UN conducted a worldwide survey.
Only one question was asked:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey failed.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
And in America they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant........

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