Bits of Verbiage

How does a squirrel keep its nuts dry?
It swims on its back


A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, ''I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.'' The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband ''Hey, where's your ball?'' ''It's over here in the pussy willows.'' The wife screams back, ''DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!


What's the worst thing about being a test tube baby?
You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.


A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, ''You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm.''


How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.


A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. ''Grandpa what are you doing?'' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. ''Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?'' he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, ''Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea.


Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.


Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: ''OK, old fellow, time to retire.'' The old rooster says: ''You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!'' The young rooster replies: ''Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!'' The old rooster says: ''Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you.'' The young rooster snarls: ''Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!'' The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: ''I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop.'' The young rooster smiles: ''You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start.'' The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks ''Go!'' and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: ''Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week.''


Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
So he could run his fingers through his hair.


The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. ''Can I help you?'' the madam asked. ''I want Natalie,'' the old man replied. ''Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...'' ''No, I must see Natalie.'' Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that There were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: ''No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?'' The old man replied, ''I'm from Philadelphia.'' ''Really?'' replied Natalie. ''I have family who lives there.'' ''Yes, I know,'' said the old man. ''Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you.'' (Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.)


What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.


There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.


How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends how thin you slice them.


A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, ''Relatives of yours?'' ''Yep,'' the husband replied. ''In-laws.''


Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.


A young teenag girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, ''What are you lining up for, dear?'' Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. ''Mmm, sounds lovely,'' said Grandma. ''I think I’ll have some myself,'' she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. ''But you’re so old... how do you do it?'' Grandma replied, ''Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em dry!''


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'


What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?
A cock that stays up all night!

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12'' tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; ''What the hell is that?'' The guy next to him replies ''He's a pianist!'', to which the drunk replied ''Horse shit, your pulling my leg'' So the guy next to him picks up the 12'' man , grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammerin out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons. Stunned, the drunk asks ''That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him''? The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks ''I wish for a million bucks''. All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shittin all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing ''You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit.'' The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed ''You don't really think I wished for a 12'' pianist do you?''


Why don't worms have balls?
Because they can’t dance


The best way to win an argument is to be right.