DUBYA - MY FELLOW ASTRONAUTS...

PRE-RECORDED LIVE!
(either that, or they have a different sun in Texas)

MY FELLOW ASTRONAUTS...

I appreciate you giving me a few minutes of your time tonight so I can discuss with you an issue that is so baffling and beyond my ability to comprehend, every time I try to wrap my puny brain around the notes Karl gave me, I want to lock myself in the guest house with a case of Lone Star, my Hank Williams Jr. CDs, and an eight-ball of high-grade Peruvian flake. But I can't do that anymore, cuz I'm Preznit now. So here I am.

I have been informed that research involving stem cells is an increasingly controversial subject of national debate. I must admit this was news to me, as I wasn't even aware that stems had cells. Nevertheless, I have been told by the people who are paid to make all my decisions that scientists and estheticians are currently wrestling with the moral implications of the work they do - whatever that work may be - and that our nation needs strong, firm leadership on the issue. And even though this "science" stuff is all Grecian to me, these people feel that I am the person best suited to provide the nation with this leadership. Heck, the fact that you're all watching this press conference is proof enough of my authority in the matter, ain't it?

So here's my dilemma in a nutshell: My administration must decide whether or not to allow your tax dollars to be used for scientific research on stem cells derived from human embryos, which I am told are kind of like pre-babies… baby babies, if you will. Kinda like that song... how does it go again? "Ooh, baby baby!" ...but I digress. Pause three seconds for dramatic effect… Wait a minute… Karen, was I supposed to read that part? What? Don't read the green lines out loud? Okay. Sorry!

Anyway, it turns out a large number of these embryos already exist. They are the product of a process called in veto fermentation, which helps men with weak sperms and their frigid wives to have babies, even though God decided they don't deserve any. When doctors put some sperms and an egg in a test tube and then zap it with 'lectricity, something weird happens, and the end result is a bunch of viable embryos. Sometimes these scientists can get up to a hundred embryos at a time, which I'm sure you'll all agree is a very high number, and a lot more babies than one woman can reasonably be expected to give birth to. In fact, according to my sources, the current maximum number of babies one woman can carry to term during a single pregnancy is twenty-five, which means a bunch of embryos end up being stored in freezers, and that's dang creepy. I mean, freezer babies! Come on!


CLONING'S HORRIFIC POTENTIAL...

As you can well imagine, research on embryonic stem cells raises profound ethical questions, because extracting stem cell destroys the embryo. Like a snowflake, a fingerprint, or a big pile of rocks, each embryo is a unique and special creature, with the genetic potential to become a person, just like you or me. We must keep in mind that these tiny persons have the potential to grow into consumers who buy things, which in turn fuels our economy. And the way I've been messing things up lately, our economy could use a good kick in the pants.

In my struggle with this decision - which I have unilaterally taken it upon myself to make on all your behalves - I decided to consult with scholars, estheticians, men of the cloth, Charlton Heston, a couple of Boyscouts, the Reverend Sum Yung Moon and the Mexican guy who pumps gas down the road a piece from my ranch. If there's one thing I've learned from these discussions, it's the fact that many Americans have developed firm opinions on the subject, despite the fact that most of them are as bone-ignorant about the science involved as I am. In many ways, I believe our ability to be violently opposed to things we don't understand is what makes America so special.

As your Preznit, I want to assure you that we have good reason to be terrified. It is no exaggeration to say that we have arrived at the threshold of that Brave New World prophesied by Aldous Huxley in his famous novel, the name of which currently escapes me, and which I must confess I have never read. I once had a nightmare, however, in which a vicious half-octopus, half-gorilla clone used its mighty tentacles to snap people's heads off in a crowded supermarket parking lot… and I don't think that's the kind of future America wants for its children.

We all know that science, when not reigned in by righteous moral leadership, can lead to unimaginable horrors. But the future is not the only place where scientific nightmares - such as my gorilla-octopus dream creature - dwell. Indeed, one may also look to the past for proof that the fires of scientific progress must always be tempered by fear and ignorance. For instance, in the last century, mad scientists created a Frankenstein in Transylvania. And even in our own day, Scottish perverts are cloning sheep in service of their own mysterious, unholy agendas. And don't even get me started on Galileo!

On the other hand, as Preznit, I also have to realize that science is a part of industry, and industry is run by corporations… corporations that bankrolled my candidacy and whose contributions helped me win an election… almost. Another factor I have to take into account is public opinion, and polls show that if I give the far right, pro-life lunatic fringe the decision they want on this issue, then I can kiss whatever meager chances I have of getting re-elected in 2004 good-bye. And so I have concluded that I shall henceforth allow federal funds to be used for research on stem cells that have already been harvested, but not on fresh ones. This way, we don't piss off the pro-lifers too much, we fool the soccer moms into thinking I'm a moderate again, and we give the pharmaceuticals lobby who donated so much to my campaign - the people in possession of the only stem cell lines that qualify for ! fe! deral funding - the monopoly they so richly deserve.


OUR CHILDREN'S FUTURE?!

But don't worry, folks. In order to avoid the dreaded octopus-gorilla scenario, I will be establishing a Preznit's council to monitor all on-going research in this field. The council will consist of scientists, doctors, oil industry executives, Alex Rodriguez from the Texas Rangers, my old frat brothers, leading figures in AM talk radio, and clergy from our nation's various crackpot churches, such as the Mormons, the Jehovah's Witnesses, the Scientologists and a one-hundred year old man from Louisiana who juggles rattlesnakes in the name of your Lord and mine: Jesus the Christ. We'll try to get a Catholic priest on there, too, just as soon as we find one who's never been accused of molesting an altar boy.

Anyway folks, I've taken up enough of your time, and to be honest, I really gotta take a leak. Thank you for listening. Good night, sleep tight, and God help America.

Yours Truly,
Preznit Dubya