Dear Jane - or How to end an affair with an English Professor.

((Hamlet style, a shadow of a man walks onto the stage. Dressed in the garb of the fool, the motley clown. Hand to brow, he seems deep in grief and inward torment. He would portray this a little better if he quit giggling. Without regard of the audience he begins a soliloquy:))
To be or...
(Voice from the wings) "Wrong play!"
Huh? Oh. Shit. Wait a sec.
The ape, naked and ...
(Voice from the wings) "NO!"
(muttered) "Crap". (A little louder) "Ah! Here we go".
I am crushed. Shattered. Bereft of thy scintillating presence, my life becomes a barren moonscape.
After you my heart will no longer be able to endure the heady excitement of the snail races. Will cringe in terror at the very thought of the intense intrigue of watching ice cubes melt.
You were so much to me. Like unto the thought of realizing I have a chocolate bar in my back pocket some sweltering afternoon. The sili quo non of my one man rock fight. The bluebird of happiness that crapped all over my birthday cake. The camel spit in my soup of life. The warm moist feeling one gets as one notices the stray cur beside ones leg.
(Voice from the wings) "Subtle!"
Continuing on a less than serious note, my lady fair. Enjoy your life. I have done you a great disservice. Since you introduced me to your 'student' at JJ's, I have been unable to view you as anything more than a quaint curiosity. A quiet puddle in a place with no character or significance after enduring a succession of tidal waves: of the most brief, momentary interest, but on the whole, very shallow. This in itself presents a fascinating enigma, for talking with you, being in your presence for an extended period of time, is much like sinking slowly to the bottom of an ocean. And the knowledge of what one shall find at the end of the descent: millions of years of accumulated fish...
(Voice from the wings) "Let's leave out the four letter words, okay?"
I cannot help but wonder how you would react to the pet spiders I keep in my bathroom. Could you ever learn to appreciate them? Understand that they surpass mankind’s greatest achievements in certain aspects in the most humble ways. Ah, the joy you caused me when you so eloquently expressed your irrational fear of snakes and lizards. Those dastardly creatures! How dare they show themselves in your exalted presence! Must not even consider mentioning they are held in the greatest reverence by nearly all the advanced cultures this world has ever spawned.
(Voice from the wings) "Spawned?"
(Yelled into the wings) "SOUNDS BETTER'N BARFED UP."
(Voice from the wings) "... True... but then in comparison... "
(Yelled into the wings) "EXCUUUUUUSE ME! CAN I FINISH THIS?"
The mythic dragon and the Naga. The serpent upon the staff of life. Do you not find it odd that the symbol of wisdom has almost universally been reptilian of nature? I honestly appreciated how clearly shown to me irrational ridiculous biases and hatreds can exist in this world of allegedly enlightened minds.
(Voice from the wings) "Could you drop that 'allegedly'? Makes it sound sarcastic."
(Yelled into the wings) "THIS IS SARCASTIC!"
(Voice from the wings) "You sure? Sounds more like a comedic soap opera.
Did you read the script?"
(Yelled into the wings) "WHAT SCRIPT?"
(Voice from the wings) ... a low groan. "Never mind."
For you my dear, the world shall always wear the stern eternal face of grandeur. May you never see the truth. The base deceit. The low, vile sordid mockery. The demon masquerading as a god.
Muspel, my love, is denied thee. This I accept. There are those who dance to the eternal rhythm, senseless, ceaseless, monotonous, dull repetition, and those who watch. Perhaps I should envy you. My glimpses of the purity of Estelle are so rare and fleeting.
(Voice from the wings) "Who?"
(Yelled into the wings) "HER!"
(Voice from the wings) "Who her?"
(Sighs then yells into the wings) "HER!! THE BIG ONE!"
(Voice from the wings) "Oh for crying out loud. WHO?"
(Yelled into the wings) "THE COSMIC WHORE!"
(Voice from the wings) "Language!"
(Yelled into the wings) "YOU ASKED!"
(Voice from the wings) "Getting a little obscure there, aren't we?"
(Yelled into the wings) "I AM ***TRYING*** TO KEEP THE PROPER MOOD HERE!"
(Voice from the wings) "Yeah yeah. Like she is going to grab that one and yank a few times."
(Yelled into the wings) "DO YOU MIND!??"
No Ryan. You are NOT going to send this to her. NO! Absolutely not! You shall remain a gentleman until the very last bitter dregs of the sordid affair have been drained. You will NOT even think about mentioning that you were under the impression her sense of adventure had been overtaxed, nay, strained and wearing double trusses, from the trip to the zoo.
(Yelled into the wings). "YO! I'M DONE. CAN I GET OFF THE STAGE NOW? I
GOTTA GO PEE!"
(Voice from the wings) "You call that throwing down a gauntlet?"
(Grumbled into the wings) "Okay. I just sort of tossed it. Picky picky!"
(Voice from the wings) "The old velvet hand in the iron glove trick, hmm?"
(Yelled into the wings) "THIS AINT NO HIGH CLASS PRODUCTION! HOW ABOUT
SOME SCENERY?"
(Voice from the wings) "Now who's being picky? And you call that a
climax?"
(Yelled into the wings) "HEY! YOU SAID NO SEXUAL CONNOTATIONS!"
(Voice from the wings) "Okay. That's a take. Unlock the toilet."
((Exuent. Fade to black. Well, dark grey. The form of the harlequin clown last seen, still giggling, heading for the potty.))


This is - and remains - Copyright R.T. 2004 and may only be reproduced with his express contempt.